


Do you know what dying feels like? Because I do.

by tpchicken



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Charles Xavier has a Ph.D in Adorable, Charles gets kidnapped, Charles has things to say, Charles-centric, Erik gets kidnapped too, Erik has to listen, Erik is kinda an ass, Gen, Hurt Charles, Poor Charles, Protective Erik, Raven saves the boys, So I make him say them, charles whump, except when she doesn't, no relationships - Freeform, unless you squint I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 00:18:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19262116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tpchicken/pseuds/tpchicken
Summary: Set a few years after DoFP, but before 1975 when Charles meets Jean in DP.Charles thinks he's going to visit a possible new student for the school, but instead finds himself a prisoner of some sketchy pseudo-government agents with an agenda. He also finds out he's not alone, that Erik has been taken as well. He's gonna feel a lot of physical pain, but he'll get the chance to release some of the mental anguish he's been holding onto since he and Erik met.Basically an excuse to whump Charles and let him say things to Erik I've always imagined him saying.





	Do you know what dying feels like? Because I do.

“Do you know what dying feels like? Because I do.”  
\--  
In hindsight, going to collect a possible new student by himself might have been a poor choice. Charles hasn’t found this person himself using Cerebro, the man had called looking for him. That was the first missed red flag. The second was there request for him to come alone, because the child was skittish. The mistake had been not to use Cerebro to verify the information given. 

He had Alex drive him to the address and drop him off. The plan had been for him to pick up a few supplies and return for Charles, and hopefully the child, in an hour or so. Charles hadn’t been there 5 minutes before the whole thing went sideways. 

The biggest red flag had come from the child herself. A man, Charles had assumed the father but hadn’t asked, escorted him to the back of the house. He opened the door and ushered Charles in first. He had been so absorbed with gently reaching out to her mind with his to calm the sobbing girl, that he missed the actions behind him. He heard the warning from her mind a fraction before he felt the needle slide into his neck.

His assailant easily lifted Charles from his chair and left it behind. The girl was released to run along home. He didn’t need any more hostages, and he doubted anyone would ever find him. He buckled Charles into the center back of the awaiting sedan and secured the unconscious man’s hands. The child locks were already on the doors, so he doubted that even if his captive woke, he would be able to escape, but better safe than sorry. 

They drove for several hours. Not to the unknown man’s plan, Charles did wake up during the trip, but sensing his peril, remained as still as possible to avoid attention and a possible second dose of whatever knocked him out. He reached out with his mind to gently probe the other’s, but found nothing but the lyrics to the songs on the radio. 

This was problematic for Charles. If this man knew enough to be able to shield himself from his abilities, he must have been trained by someone, possibly government. If agencies were involved, it could signal the start of something bigger, but if this was a single man working alone... well, either way, Charles knew he was in serious danger, if someone had gone to this much trouble to try and grab him. 

The car pulled to a stop on a short gravel drive. Charles could feel the rumble of the engine stop, and car doors open and close. He mentally cursed as another pinch as the needle was inserted into his flesh. 

“I knew you were awake,” the man tutted. This new concoction didn’t knock him out, but disoriented him enough to be completely defenseless. Once again, he was lifted and carried into a nearby building. He tried to keep a mental map of where they were going, but the drugs were doing their job to muddle his senses and make him dizzy. 

They stopped at a closed door while the man entered numbers into a key pad to open the lock. Charles winced at the beeps, unable to focus on the code. They entered a medium sized room. It was painted a bright white. Half of the room was closed off by a thick, glass wall with small air holes drilled in a symmetric pattern. 

“I brought you a friend.”

Charles was deposited roughly on a thin cot. His teeth banged together as his body hit the floor. He put his head in his hands to stop the spinning and pain and breathed deeply. He could hear his captors internal laughing as his footsteps retreated behind the door. It was shut and all outside was blocked from Charles mind. 

Once his vision cleared, Charles lifted his head to take in his surroundings. It was all glass and plastic and ceramic. A lone figure stood across from Charles, a familiar expression on his face. 

“Erik” 

“Hello old friend”

He could barely think in complete sentences, “How long? What happened?”

“Not long, and I got careless. Perhaps it wasn’t wise to stay in America when I have such a recognizable face.”

“Why?”

“Not sure. Nobody talkative has been around since I was brought here. Can you reach their minds?” 

“No, there must be something shielding the room,” he shook his head gently to clear the lingering effects of the drugs. “You?”

“No metal around and I can’t seem to feel outside of the room either.”

They sat in awkward silence for several moments, lost in their own thoughts. They hadn’t seen each other since DC. Wounds were still fresh, visible and not. Charles was hesitant to say anything, as he studied the scars on Erik’s neck. He sat up and pulled himself so he could lean into the corner of the room more comfortably. 

“I see you’ve given up your charade and restored your powers.”

Charles glared at the other man, “I don’t have to justify my choices to you Erik.”

“I was surprised to see you there, at the White House, more so with powers. I thought you had given up.”

“I came for Raven, Erik. I came because we had to stop what was to happen. Then we had to stop you.”

“What I did, want I wanted to do was for mutants everywhere!”

“What you did nearly destroyed mutants everywhere! If it wasn’t for Raven’s choice, we’d all be living a very different future.”

“If you would just embrace the cause Charles, we could work together for mutants everywhere!”

“What cause is that Erik? You cannot lift one people up on the backs of another! As for working with you? What does that ever get me? Punched in the face, like Cuba and Paris, or having a stadium dropped on me? I’m pretty sure working with you will get me killed!”

“You’re not being fair Charles. I didn’t even know you were in DC until after Raven shot me!”

“And that justifies it! What about the bullet to my spine? Was that justified? I feel lucky the bullet aimed at Raven actually flew out the window and not into the back of my head. 

“Working with you brings nothing but pain and suffering, injury undeserved. Yet, I still hope Erik! I still hope that someday you’ll see it doesn't have to be this way. We could work together. The way we once did, the way that helps everyone!”

“You’re naive Charles.”

“And you’re a monster!”

It was a step too far. He knew it the moment it flew out of his mouth, but Charles couldn’t take it back. He cared for Erik, but he hated him still. He wounds were more than skin deep. 

Erik was tired. Tired of being caged again, tired of Charles words that stung. They hurt because they were true. The more he fought, the more he hurt those most important to him. He didn’t want to fight with Charles anymore. 

“Get some rest Charles. They won’t be back with food for a while now. I don’t know why we’re here, but you’ll need strength to survive.”

“You’re here because I know each of you will only do what I ask if you are properly motivated by the other,” the door swung open to reveal the most nondescript person They had ever seen. Medium height, and build. Standard dark suit and tie. The most interesting thing about him was Magneto’s helmet snugly placed on his head. “You’re here Professor Xavier because you can only perform the task I require. He’s here to make sure you don’t cause me trouble. Now come along.”

Charles peered incredulously at the hand being offered him, but Erik was the first to speak. “You know he can’t walk!”

“I do know that Mr. Lehnsherr. I was being polite, unlike yourself. We appreciate the job you’ve done here crippling the good professor, it made our job of acquiring him much easier.”

Color drained from Charles’ face, and Erik scowl bore into the back of the man’s head. The nondescript man turned back to the door and opened it. Two large men in blue fatigues stepped in and toward Charles. He tried his best to squirm away as they lifted him effortlessly, one grabbing his legs and the other under his arms and hauled him out the door. The man stepped to join them. 

“Wait!” Erik cried, “wait!” The only response was the shutting of the door and the click of the lock. 

——  
Erik waited impatiently for someone to return to the room. He had given up quickly trying to yell, considering it got no response. He wasn’t even sure he could be heard outside the cell. Instead he meditated until he couldn’t stand it any longer. The he took up pacing his small cell. He was on lap 341 when the door clicked open and the two men carried Charles back in. 

Erik was relieved there was no blood or visible wounds, but there was still no color in Charles’ face. His hair was wet and matted with sweat, and he seemed to be shivering. Erik was grateful the placed his friend carefully down and covered him with a thin blanket. After completing their task, the men wordlessly left and locked the room. 

There was no way for Erik to tell the passage of time while they were imprisoned except for what seems to be a regular delivery of simple food. The next tray arrived sometime after Charles, but he didn’t awaken to eat it. He finally seemed to regain consciousness shortly after the next tray was served. 

Erik was relieved. He spent most of that time silently watching Charles’ chest rise and fall, worried that if he stopped watching, his friend would stop breathing. It took a few moments for Charles to adjust back to their cell, and Erik allowed him this time to sit up and eat a bit before talking. 

He wasn’t sure if Charles was using his ability to know what he was thinking. Certainly, he could, and Erik couldn’t stop him. He also remembered that at the Pentagon, Charles had vowed never to get inside his head again. While he had broken that vow already in DC, it seemed that Charles was once again avoiding Erik’s mind. After a bit of time, Erik ventured to talk. 

“Charles, are you okay?”

He glanced up from his tray in Erik’s direction, “Yes, I’m physically unharmed, but I feel mentally drained.”

“Will you tell me what happened?”

He let out a soft sigh, “they’ve built their own Cerebro. It seems to be from some of Hank’s old plans, maybe even the first set, but they’ve modified differently than Hank has.”

“And you used it for them?!”

“Of course not! The fools seem to think I am some sort of part to plug in, and it’ll work how they want. It turns out it doesn’t work at all. It didn’t stop them from trying for quite a while. It was... unpleasant.”

“Charles...”

“There was a lot of yelling, at me, at the machine, at each other. They didn’t even tell me who or what they were looking for.”

“We need to get out of here before they come try again.”

“I’m not sure how, unless you’ve come up with a plan while I was away?”

“No.”

They sat in silence for a while. Eventually Charles fell back asleep, and Erik felt it was best to get some rest as well. They dozed fitfully until the opening of the door awakened them both. 

The man with the food trays stepped in, but unlike previous times, he didn’t shut the door behind him. He stared blinking at the two captives, while they stared back at him. 

“Charles! Erik!” a blue ripple shivered up the man as he morphed into Raven. She dropped the trays of food and bent over to embrace her step-brother. 

“How are you here?” Charles asked. 

“I heard of your kidnapping, it’s on the national news, and I knew I had to track you down. I didn’t know Erik was here!” She rushed over and placed a key she had taken off the guard in a small hole on the wall. The glass slid open and Erik was freed. 

Each placed a shoulder under Charles’ arms and lifted him up and out of the room. It was slow going, but Raven had done much of the work knocking out their captors. Unconscious bodies littered the floor, and they stepped over them, retracing the way out. 

“What is this place?” Charles asked. 

“No idea,” she responded, “boring and plain on the outside, sterile and generic inside. Could be government, could be rogue-government.”

“Has to be rogue. I can’t imagine tie CIA sanctioning kidnapping and allowing it to get on the news.”

“There’s that undeserved hope in the goodness of men again, Charles.”

The conversation was broken as tranquilizer darts shot through the air. They hadn’t heard it coming, until the man in the helmet had stepped into their path. The first dart took down Raven, but the second missed Erik by inches. 

The sudden loss of support on Charles’ left by Raven dragged him and Erik down with her. They desperately tried to untangle their limbs as the sharp footsteps from the man came ever closer. He aimed and shot Erik squarely in the chest, his unconscious form pining Charles’ right arm under him. Trapped beneath his friends, his heart raced as the man came closer. He tensed up, waiting for his own dart to render him unconscious, but it never happened. 

“That was quite impressive, but foolish,” the man chuckled as he reached for the front of Charles’ shirt and lifted him up, releasing him up off the floor. “Now I have twice the motivation to keep you compliant.” He looked down at the others on the floor and then brought Charles up to eye level. 

The close proximity to the man was unnerving, even more so when he pushed Charles up against the wall and pinned him with his forearm. He studied Charles’ face for a moment and then cocked his other fist back and slammed it into the telepath’s left cheek and eye socket. 

“Did you think we were done yet?” He dropped Charles back to the floor and walked over to the nearest phone. Charles’s ears were ringing and his face and backside were on fire. He gingerly reaches up and examined his face for any breakage. His nose seemed to have survived the ordeal, and while his eye hurt, he could still see under the ever-increasing swelling. 

“Come now, it’s time to try again. My associates will collect your friend and they will be waiting for you as long as you behave.” The man walked back over where Charles was slumped on the floor, snaked one hand through his hair and the other under an arm and lifted Charles over his shoulder. 

——  
True to his word, Erik and Raven we’re locked back behind glass when they returned Charles to his cell. Unfortunately, he wasn’t conscious to know it after a second round in faux-Cerebro. When he did awaken, it was as if his whole head was on fire. The black eye was staring to spectacularly bloom, and his brain felt like there was a radio inside tuned to static. 

He could hear Erik and Raven talking. Actually, they were arguing, and Charles couldn’t care less what it was about. His soul felt heavy and broken. He still didn’t know what these villains wanted from him! Whatever alterations they had tried to their machine hadn’t succeeded in accomplishing their goals. He pushed himself back up to sitting again the corner, closed his eyes and sighed. 

“Do you know what dying feels like? Because I do.” His words broke through their argument, and they stared at him. 

“Charles, don’t be so over dramatic,” sighed Raven. 

“I was 10 the first time. One of the gardeners had a heart attack in the garden. I felt his pain and his fear, but it was over so quick, and I was still unsure of what these voices in my head even were. 

“Again, at Oxford, I was running late to class when I witnessed a fellow student get hit by a speeding car. It knocked me to my knees. The crowd rushed to help him, so I never actually saw him die, but I felt every moment as he bled out.”

Raven and Erik stood dumbfounded. Why was Charles telling them this?

“Shaw was surprised at first. He didn’t believe you had it in you. Totally believed you’d join him. Once the coin was in the air, he knew his fate was sealed. He wasn’t even scared, but I was. I begged you not to do it, even though you had blocked me out. 

“The other deaths were a surprise I wasn’t expecting, but Shaw... He could see the coin coming ever closer, and so could I. I couldn’t escape it or Shaw would overcome you, I had to hold him firm. I knew... It hurt. More than anything, more than losing my legs. I felt every centimeter of brain that coin went through, and when it was done, the void overcame me. Had Moira not been there...” Charles shook his head, as if to release the memory and pain of all those past events. 

“I know what dying feels like, and this is not it. I have hope that we can get out of here. Either we escape or Hank and Alex will come. Now please, stop bickering. I need rest before that man returns and tries again.”

Charles blinked, surprised to find tears in his eyes. He wasn’t sure why he was bringing this up now. He felt weak, and it was dredging up past pain. Things he had promised himself to bury so he could move on, but he hadn’t moved on. All of the sudden he had to tell Erik, to know if he had known when he killed Shaw, that he could’ve killed Charles, too. He had to know if Erik even cared. 

If Erik had known what his vendetta had cost Charles, he had refused to acknowledge it to himself until this moment that Charles verbalized it. Shaw’s death had brought on Erik’s power, his deepest, darkest desires fulfilled. This moment brought him nothing but shame. Charles had suffered, he was suffering now, and Erik had ignored it. 

He walked to the glass and placed his hand upon it, trying to reach Charles. He wanted to look in his eyes, but Charles had his eyes screwed shut, tears leaking out and down his cheeks. He wanted to push past this barrier and comfort the man who had given so much willing, and Erik had taken even more away. 

“I’m sorry, my friend. I never thought... I couldn’t admit to myself what I had done, please forgive me. I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if only I knew how.”

Charles never got the chance to answer, because the door was opened and the helmeted man returned. Gun in hand, he strode over and pressed it against the top of Charles’ head.

“If either of you make any move against me, I will not hesitate to shoot. It seems the professor isn’t as useful as we had originally hoped, but were willing to give him another chance. First, we need the particular skills of our metal bending friend here. Assist us correctly and we will reward you, defy us and punishment will be swift. 

“Now my two friends are coming in to escort you to our work station. Mr. Lehnsherr will assist us to our exact specifications, nothing more, nothing less. If he does not, we will kill Raven. If he does, we let you all live for the time being. Now move!”

Charles nodded reassuringly at Erik and Raven as they were escorted away. He could only hope Erik would behave. It would be devastating to lose either in foolish heroics. When they were gone, the man crouched down, again eye level with Charles. 

“I hope with these modifications; we will be more successful in our plans.”

“It will never work unless you tell me what you want it to do! The power of Cerebro isn’t the machine, it comes from here,” Charles placed his fist over his chest. “It will never yield what you want unless I direct it.”

“What we want, you will never give us willingly. It is no matter; we will take it from you. Our modifications will provide us the desired results, because we will never stop trying until we’ve exhausted our capabilities, or should I say, your capabilities. Now rest, you’ll have work to do soon, and if you’re lucky, your friends will return whole.”

—  
Erik and Raven were returned unharmed. Erik had displayed model behavior, or so they thought. Raven, who had been forced to stand against a wall while Erik worked, had remained silent, ever through some ungentlemanly language used against her. She had used the opportunity to turn into one of the men cat-calling her and respond with rude gestures, and they had decided it was better to leave her alone. They were ushered back behind glass, the door shut behind their retreating captors. 

They found Charles asleep on his cot, blanket tucked under his chin. His face was stained with the dried tracks of his tears, and the stress of the situation left lines on his face, making him look haggard. 

“Should we try to wake him?” Raven asked Erik, but a voice inside their heads startled them both.

“Apologies for the intrusion. The man wearing your helmet has returned several times while you were away, and I found it better to appear unconscious to him, then awake. I am awake, and relieved to find you both unharmed.”

Deciding it might be better in this situation not to verbalize his plan, Erik responded back to Charles, hoping he was keeping the connection open. Charles had now opened his eyes and nodded in affirmation, and he endeavored to lift himself back to his sitting position. 

“I’ve done exactly what they asked to their machine, but I can tell you, from the plans I saw, we don’t want you to suffer through that again. It will fail to do what they’re expecting, and they may retaliate against us without provocation. So, while I was working for them, I also manipulated our escape. The door may look locked, but I can open it now with my powers.”

“But the key for the glass?”

“I have it,” Raven chimed in, revealing it from behind her. 

“I don’t even want to know how you managed that,” thought Charles.

“We can unlock it from this side. Once out, it would be easier to carry you in the metal chair I saw outside the door. I’m sorry Charles, I know it’s not your ideal position, but it will be faster to levitate you behind us, and it will free Raven and I to take care of any opposition between us and outside.”

After getting Raven and Erik to agree to no killing, he assented to the plan. As much as he was uncomfortable being reliant on Erik, he was more uncomfortable with the idea of staying here with these pseudo-government agents and whatever nefarious plans they had for him. 

Raven released the glass wall, and true to his word, the door opened effortlessly with a turn of the handle. Erik levitated the chair to Charles while Raven helped him to stand and be safely seated. Ever so gently, the chair was lifted a few inches off the floor, enough to glide safely, but avoid any further injury if Charles fell. Raven led the way, followed by Charles, with Erik behind. They were able to safely navigate through the building using Raven’s memory and Charles’ power to redirect people in their path. 

They were almost outside, just one heavy door stood in their way to freedom. Raven was frustrated to find it locked, and she was unable to budge it. Erik moved around Charles to focus on moving the interlocking parts inside of the mechanism. In the few extra moments it took him to unlock the door they were spotted by the one person Charles couldn’t reach. 

The helmeted man let out a guttural scream in frustration, pointed his gun at Charles and fired. It happened so fast, he knew there was no time to react, and even if Charles threw himself off the chair, the bullet was quicker than he could be. So, he braced for an impact that never came. Erik had turned, redirecting the bullet’s path. It curved in the air and flew towards the helmet, hitting the man square in the forehead. 

“Erik, no!” Charles yelled, but it was useless to stop what Erik had done. The man was pushed back by the force of the bullet and fell, helmet making a cracking noise on the cement floor. Charles reached out with his mind and found that he could now hear the man’s thoughts, relieved to find him alive. He pushed into the mind and erased the man’s memories of him and his friends. Then he turned back to his friends, and with a sigh of relief said, “Let’s go home.”

\--  
Except they didn’t go home. Even with the helmeted man’s memories erased, Erik was worried that others may come after them. So, the drove in the opposite direction of Westchester for several hours and rented a room at a quiet hotel. They waited for awhile longer until they believed they were truly safe. Charles had fallen back asleep, exhausted from the ordeal. Raven had claimed the other bed, which Erik sat in a mildly comfortable chair. 

“You shot me in DC,” he said. 

“I told you, I didn’t want to kill them all, just Trask.”

“But you didn’t even do that.”

“No, I tried. I looked right him, and I could’ve fired, but Charles… What is it about Charles that keeps him fighting for the goodness in everyone?”

“We all believe that Charles’ greatest gift is his psychic ability, that he knows us all because he hears our innermost thoughts, but now I’m not so sure. Perhaps his greatest ability to bear our burdens, to look past our flaws and find our greatness, then pull it out of us and help us realize it. It’s also his greatest weakness. He wants so desperately to see only the good in this world, he ignores the bad, even when it’s right in front of him.”

“Maybe I do see your bad, and choose to believe you can be good anyway,” Charles opened his eyes and smiled at his friends. “I think it’s time to call Hank. Will you come home with me?”

“No, my friend. This experience has proven that this land isn’t safe for me, and I make it unsafe for you. I think I must leave, hide away and try to atone for some of the things I’ve done. Even if I don’t know how. It’s time to stop being Magneto, and try being someone else.” 

Charles nodded sadly. “Raven?”

“I can’t go back with you either, Charles. I’ve started walking a new path, looking for new mutants to help, to escape from dangerous places. That’s my mission now. I paused when I heard to you were in danger, but I can’t stop.” 

“We could work together?”

“Maybe… maybe I can direct some your direction. Kids that need help learning, controlling. You’re good at pulling the best out of us, but I have to walk this alone.”

“You make it sound like I’ll never see either of you again.”

Erik stood and walked over to the bed, sitting on the edge near Charles. “Isn’t that for the best? You’ve endured so much for us. Must you endure more?”

“For my friends… my family, I would endure anything.”

“I know, but I cannot watch you do that for me again. I could not bear it.”

“Me neither.”

With tears in their eyes and damp cheeks, they sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments before parting. Then Erik stood up, looked Charles in the eyes and said his goodbyes. Then he walked out the door, and Charles wondered how they could ever meet again. 

Raven came to him next. She lied down next to him and curled under his arm like she did when they were children. He wanted to hold on to her, read her a story, watch her fall asleep under his protection. Yet, the time for fairy tales was over, and maybe he needed her protection more now that she needed his. He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, and she pressed her lips chastely to his cheek. Then she got up and walked out of his life like she had so many times before.

“Good-bye Erik. Good-bye Raven,” his whispered under his breath. Then he picked up the telephone and dialed Hank at the house. It was time to go home.


End file.
